Cancer Epic

     Rereading last weeks post I realized I was sounding pretty lost and unsure how to feel about things. This week though and generally over the last month I am starting to reach a place of clarity. Things seem to make more sense and I don't have the anxiety I once had. Sure I have Stage IV GE Junction Cancer and if you just look at numbers surviving it it pretty slim. At the local support group I go to we have been on the topic of death and dying recently. I am starting to get tired of it because I did think about it a bit and the conclusion was that I wanted to make sure that I was LIVING with cancer. So at the group I understand and appreciate the need to talk about dying but I also want to hear how others facing cancer are living. That gives me hope, that gives me inspiration, and that is what I want to hear. This week I went to work for three days and basically back to the point I was when I left. It was nice to do it all. Unfortunately Monday I heard the terrible news that someone from another department that our office worked with had passed away last week. He was diagnosed with Leukemia about two weeks before me. It defiantly felt weird being back and I think I feel a some survivors guilt. I know we didn't have the same disease or experienced the same physical pains, but I still feel weird. I feel bad for those close to me and know about the stats. I worry that they are worried about me under otherwise calm faces and this death really reminded them about that. 

      That is one thing I wish I had the nerve to do more of through out my treatment. I wish I would have pushed a little harder to see how my friends were dealing with my diagnosis. It is something I really wanted to know. I assumed they would tell me at one point and I would hint at it but they wouldn't share. I am going to find out now especially since I just finished treatment. 

     I won't lie that I do feel more than a little joy about just being around to live life and be with those I love. Today I had a CT scan. It was relatively uneventful. During my port access the nurse and I were talking and that conversation has stuck with me. He commented how far I had come since my first day at the oncologist. The first day they tried to draw blood and I passed out because of dehydration and that the fact my blood sugar was so low. I also may have been suffering from anemia at the point as well. In basic words I was in terrible shape. I thought about that and the journey I went through emotionally and spiritually. Lots of people refer to their life dealing with cancer as a journey. I like the word, but why don't we call it a "Cancer Epic". An epic is a long poem of sorts surrounding in which a hero achieves great achievements and its written in very flattering way. The Iliad is an epic if you were wondering. I like that "Cancer Epic". In this tale we are heroes and are surrounded by a group of heroes facing a great evil called cancer. We face many challenges and achieve many things along the way. Those deeds are usually spoken of in an elevated manner. Agree with me or not every patient and caregiver I have ever met has had strength that is too great to describe. Does that mean it is easy, hell no.

     Next week I find out the results of my scan and where we go from here.

Until next time.

What Now?

     So as you know last week was my last cycle of EOX until I get the results from next CT scan. The next scan is on 7/31 and I meet with the doctor on 8/7 to discuss the future. I am back to work mostly. I will be back full time starting on 8/4. Some of you may know that I am Flight Instructor on the side, others may not. Since this whole thing started I haven't had a chance to fly. I will start trying to get my medical certificate back in August with the FAA. I am little anxious since I do not know what the outcome will be. I may have to wait a few months, a few years, or I might be done. Flying was my childhood dream and that's what I went to college for. My full time job during the week is at a desk and has the the all important benefits and pays most of the bills and as I mentioned I returning back to work there. I am pretty sure I will get to fly again but I certainly do miss it. Now to what I wanted to discuss, "What Now?"
      I did that last cycle of EOX and at the moment there are no plans for additional chemotherapy. I defiantly have to say it feels weird to not preparing for another cycle. Heck this week I wasn't even in the clinic. I have to say I find myself saying "What now?" At work this week I was unsure what I should do (beyond having to relearn all the policies and procedures) and got a variety of reactions from different people. My manager is super awesome and has helped me so much through all of this. It is weird cause he is trying to protect me from being harassed too much by folks and trying not to let my cancer story be the meat of the rumor mill. The fact is I didn't really tell very many folks why I was gone for 4.5 months and now I am back. I know my manager sent an email to everyone asking them to respect my privacy and that if I wanted I would talk to them about it. A really nice gesture. I think some folks took it that they literally were not suppose to talk to me. So I felt really awkward when folks would barely say hello. I just am not sure what I should do to be honest. I don't want all my coworkers to make a huge deal about me having cancer, but there isn't a easy way to be like "Oh I had cancer, went through chemotherapy, and faced my own mortality." We will see how next week goes and I will practice the old adage of fake it until you make it. It feels weird coming back to "normal" life after such a traumatic experience. I also feel like I need to help explain cancer for others behalf, which isn't a bad thing. A manager from another department was diagnosed with Leukemia (not sure on type) a few weeks before my diagnosis and he is retired(ing). It seems so crazy that we were diagnosed almost at the same time and I am back and he isn't. Crazy, stupid cancer I guess.
     It has been a while since I have heard the awesome things people say when you have cancer but returning to work this week brought them out and I just had to chuckle. Here are some "You look really good!" (Yeah because I am not bald anymore and not about to pass out) "At least they caught it early" (I am stage IV and it metastasized in my liver, not early at all) "The tumors are gone now at least"(no, I will carry them around forever) Lets see what next week brings.
      I would really like to see all my tumors gone on the next CT scan and have no more chemo but that is unlikely. I think Round 2 will suck just as equally as bad. They tell me I will go through another round of EOX before moving on. After that they will try a new drug that was recently certified by the FDA and has shown to work against gastric cancers. I don't know the name of it yet but will let you know. I talked with my oncologist about chemo brain, since I started work, and he said I should be mindful of it but that I shouldn't have a problem cause of my age. The side effects are still getting to me a little but I hope they subside more in the next week. My feet are a mess and the abdominal pain is getting to be an annoyance.
      Sorry if this post seems disorganized and confused. It is where I am at the moment. Maybe I will find some clarity in the next days. Until then I appreciate you for reading and as always leave a comment or shoot me an email.

Paradise

How goes it folks! I just spent the first three days of this week at the Reel Recovery trip in Paradise, UT. All I can say was that it was an absolute blast and I have so much to say its hard from getting all the words jumbled up. So I will just start at the beginning I guess. I left Monday afternoon. Turned my phone off cause I had no intention of answering it on the trip. I had no intention of listening to automated messages about infusion appointments, mail order pharmacy check ups, and bills from other hospitals. I am not gonna lie I wanted to get away from it all. So here I am driving a long and I go by a cop. Well let’s just say we had a nice conversation and I was on my way. Needless to say I was a little later than I expected. The night started out with all of us introducing ourselves and talking about our first cars. How awesome. Then we got into the serious stuff. We talked about our cancers. There was wide range of different diagnosis’, guys who were just starting treatment, folks near the end, and others who have lived with cancer for 30 years. Even though we had this connection we were strangers. There was a few people who I knew vicariously. One who shared the same doctor as me, another who I have seen at the clinic, and yet another who’s son was department head for the company I work for. What a small world. We had beautiful dinner of breaded trout and it was absolutely heavenly. Then we headed to the cabins for nights rest to start early at 7am.

            The next morning started off with breakfast of biscuits and gravy, eggs, and sausage. We talked about the plan of the day. We would go fishing come back for lunch and take a break during the heat of day and go out in the evening. That morning I went out with a 25 year old guy to a pond and learned how to cast on a fly rod.  There wee were fishing and talking about typical things like girls, college, parties, and so forth. And we were fishing. I love fishing and before my diagnosis I would go about 4 times a week. My goal this year was start fly fishing. So this was my first fishing trip this year and I learned how to fly fish. Needless to say we ended up only catching on rainbow trout that morning. We had lunch and most of the rest of the guys opted to go in for a cancer nap. I on the other hand wanted to go fishing and the medical officer on the trip went out with me. We headed to this spot and I landed about 7 fish. I also go my very first tiger trout right after mentioning I had never caught one. That evening I headed out with another volunteer and caught another three. The next morning I landed another three. All I can say was my shoulder was a little sore and it felt great. I had delicious ribeye steak the last night for dinner and the last breakfast was sweet potato pancakes and buttermilk syrup. All my photos have me smiling ear to ear with a huge toothy grin. I had a blast!

            One of main concerns through this whole cancer epic has been whether I could ever really feel fully carefree and happy without worrying about cancer. I learned on Tuesday I could for a day and half I fished laughed and smiled like was a child and driving home Wednesday afternoon I shed tears of joy because I thought I would never have that feeling again. It was a beautiful experience. The other guys I met on the retreat were great we shared stories of what we feared, what gave us hope, the pain, and how we will carry on. I can honestly say that I left with a family of brothers. The great thing about Reel Recovery is that they share the contact information for everyone involved with the retreat you attended so everyone can maintain contact, meet up, and maybe go fishing. That includes the volunteers. I can honestly say that it was one the happiest times of my life. It was fitting that it was in Paradise, UT because the retreat was truly Paradise and was at no cost to the participants thanks to the dedication of the volunteers and contributions from wonderful people and organizations. But I had to leave Paradise and continue my cancer epic.

            As I write this I am sitting  in infusion getting chemotherapy. Hopefully this will be the last infusion for a while anyways. My red blood cell counts have been as high as they ever have been. My whites and platelets are doing great as well. In two weeks I have a CT scan and that will determine my future. My doctor and I were talking about prognosis information and he told me as far as symptoms go I have responded better than most patients. I learned of a new FDA drug that was just approved for treating gastric cancers. We are looking at that. That CT scan will tell though. I start working again next week and I am both excited and nervous for it.
            Even though this was my last infusion I really did not want to come because I really dislike chemo. I hate feeling terrible. I usually recover pretty quick (most likely cause of my age) but I think it makes worse. Feeling like total sh*t then feeling great then like sh*t again. I was lucky my friend drove me here today. In about an hour that girl I mentioned last time will come and pick me up. Maybe we will go for coffee. I just can’t believe it is over finally. 

Be Well and Fish On!

-Just a dumb kid

 

Look at that huge smile and that beautiful Rainbow Trout!

One of the ponds in Paradise, full of hungry trout by the way.

"The Fault In Our Stars" plus other stuff

      Just to forewarn you, I have not actually seen the newest in romantic cinematic experiences to grace the big screens know as "The Fault In Our Stars". What I do know is that it involves two young adults with terminal caner and falling in love. The reason I am talking about it is that in the last three days I have heard about the movie on three separate occasions from folks who do not know about my diagnosis. I laugh because they tell me "it is a great movie because so many people are getting cancer these days." I have to laugh a little because they are telling someone who is Stage IV about this. Now I think any movie that tries to tell the tale of young adults suffering from cancer is an important one. If you look at the figures from the American Cancer Society they say 855,220 men and 810, 320 women will be diagnosed with cancer this year. That is a little over 1.6 million new cases. About 4.5% or 72,000 (stupidcancer.org) will be in young adults. As you can see not in the norm. So like I said it is nice to see some attention put on it and maybe ( I hope) the movie tells the story well enough that most people can see the troubles that we go through on a day to day basis or the fact that we put part of our life on hold for a little bit. Now a friend of mine who does know about my diagnosis suggested that I take this girl on date to see this movie. Now this lady is a very special person in my life. She has been to the doctor with me and is going on my last day of chemotherapy. In addition she meets up with me every couple weeks and we have been going for coffee. At the beginning when I was really fatigued and tired from not be able to eat she would bring her dogs over so at least I could play with them and of course we talked. About my diagnosis, terrible jokes, the future, how work was going, families, and just anything. My favorite thing though you ask? Towards the beginning of treatment I had a weird fascination with food since I couldn't eat and she had agreed that we would go to this fancy Sunday Brunch when I was done. Something to look forward too. Something she has a done a fantastic job of. I guess I could  go on and on. So my friend suggested I take her to see this movie. My thought was "ARE YOU KIDDING ME!" from what I understand this movie may be a little closer to life than lets say Transformers. So I am not sure if would take her to see that movie. Probably not because I don't think we need the troubles we are facing to be plastered in front of us on the big screen. But then again it might promote a good dialogue. Enough on that.
     My last post was kind part of a little freak out I had. I saw those numbers and well dang man they seem so overwhelming. It made me forget about things I was looking forward to and things I cared about and had me down. Remembering that I have nice brunch coming up, a nice little get together, and a fishing trip next week has got me in better spirits now. In addition I met with my boss this week and it looks like I will hopefully start work on the week of the 21st and hopefully be back full time the first week of August. The 17th is my last day of chemotherapy (for now anyways) and I will have another CT scan at the end of July. Hopefully these tumors are smaller than a golf ball by now.
      Things to look forward too are so important in times like these and help me get through those rough days. It has helped me realize what is important in my life. Maybe I need to do a better job of letting a certain someone know how important to me she is and how special she truly is. Sorry this post was half movie review of a movie I have never seen and romantic ramblings.

Until next time.