Bloody Monday

So yesterday was a bloody Monday. Not only was it Monday but I had to spend approximately 6 hours having someone's blood pumped into my body. Might I say that it is not my most enjoyable experience (I may actually prefer chemo day to be honest) but a necessary one. I also had chemo day last Thursday so what a wonderful week. I actually didn't feel too badly after chemo but after yesterday I defiantly needed some time to recover. Other than playing vampire yesterday things seem to be going okay. I had coffee with some friends on Sunday. I just got back from a local cancer support group I started going to several weeks ago. I actually look forward to the group. Look forward to talking with the facilitators and hearing the stories of other patients and their caregivers. Sometimes you hear stories so similar to yours and helps you realize that there is a community out there, with similar struggles. I don't know sometimes I just feel  like a "dumb kid" and to be perfectly honest it is nice to feel that way. Not a lot to say I guess. Tomorrow I am going fishing and thats about it.

Peace.

Long Time

Sorry about the delay since my last posting. I was waiting on results from a CT scan I took after passing the half way point in my treatment. Then the hospital where I did my original CT scan took two weeks getting sent over to my oncologist. I was trying to pretend I didn't care but I was actually stressed about it. All I know so far is that the tumor has shrunk. That is what I have been told but hopefully I found out more next week! I started to attend a support group at another hospital in the area and spent a couple sessions being the only attendee and having some one on one with the facilitator. It has been nice talking with them about my past and trying to do a better job expressing my emotions and dealing with the fears that come from dealing with cancer especially at a young age. I am specifically referring to dealing with your own mortality. I never thought of myself as thinking I am invincible. Now though I realized I did. The main side effect of my treatment has been anemia (low red blood cells) and it leads to a shortness of breath and becoming fatigued easily. It robs me of the strength I used to have.

I always try to participate in community service events but I have never been on the receiving end. At my last treatment day a dog (sorry forgot to get a photo) from the local therapy animal came in and it was so nice to get to play with her for a bit. I also got to see how the rest of the patients reacted and how uplifted they were. In addition I will be participating in program called Reel Recovery in July. I will get to go fishing (a favorite activity of mine) meet other men affected by cancer and at no cost thanks to generous donors and volunteers. Meeting people who volunteer their time and energies renews some of my faith in a world that soft often seems overrun with all sorts of terrible. I hope to volunteer with these activities when my treatment is over. If you get a chance to I strongly encourage you to as well. The amount of hope I know I get from these fine people is awesome. There are those who tell you to be positive all the time and not get down, let me tell you what, CANCER SUCKS. The folks that say this obviously haven't had chemotherapy and all of the side effects it brings. It is impossible to be positive all the time, what is important is to be hopeful and live/love your life. It is okay for you to admit how crappy it is and sometimes get down as long as you don't stay down forever.  A quote I found recently helps me going during those low periods or I found myself asking "Why me" or "How do I deal with this in addition to all the other things in life".

        "Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men" - John F. Kennedy


Other than that I just am trying to enjoy life. I went to Yoga class for the very first time and enjoyed it and will most likely will go back. I am also trying to spend time with friends and the folks who I consider part of my family. Both my roommates have moved out and it weird being in my house alone and have to pack my own stuff to move out which is kind of crazy right now since I  am dealing with cancer which is crazy.

Thanks for reading my rant. And again if you have questions or need someone to chat with shoot me an email.

No One Fights Alone

      Towards the beginning of my treatment I bought these wristbands. They are periwinkle and they say "No One Fights Alone". Periwinkle is the awareness color for those going through gastric and esophageal cancers (To be perfectly honest I didn't even know what periwinkle was until this). The reason I bought them was as a thank you for all those people who have been there supporting me and listening to my stories of living with cancer. Well as treatment wears on and I start feeling better physically but, it is starting to take its strain mentally and emotionally. I wear one everyday and when I start to feel really alone and like no one is there to help I look at it to remind myself that I really am not alone and there are plenty of people out there who care about me. If not then I just need to look at my phone to see the various text messages, phone calls, etc... to prove myself wrong. 

     Some of you know exactly what I am talking about. But this disease is doesn't finish up quickly like the cold or flu and the medication you take has some serious side effects. The way I describe it is " imagine you got in fight with about four people and seriously beat your a**". Typically your cold medicine doesn't do that. In addition you go through this treatment and you may never get rid of it entirely. So you have to get used to this idea that there will be a "new normal" in life and you have to believe that it will be better than what you had before. Relationships will change, some will grow stronger and others will fade away. For better or for worse. Some will surprise you with the amount of support will give and others will disappoint you when they start to fade away. Now I know they have to learn how to accept my condition in their own way or they don't know how. To be perfectly honest I  have a lot going on and trying to help them figure it out for themselves is difficult. But enough of that rant.

     The best part is when I see those care about wearing those wristbands. I didn't realize how much it meant when I see them and I know that they do care and are thinking about me. It also helps going through text messages and reading words of encouragement from those close too me. Sometimes they can bring out some pretty strong emotions, but it is defiantly nice to see. I can defiantly say that I appreciate all of those people in my family (not the blood kind), who have listened to me rant about life with cancer, been to treatments with me, driven with me to doctors appointments, gone grocery shopping, and for not treating me like I have one foot in the grave. I am gonna live with cancer and not let cancer run my life.

Until next time!

 

Just Need To Vent

It has been almost 3 months since I was diagnosed with Stage IV Gastric-Esophageal Cancer and I will not lie I am defiantly getting sick of dealing with it. Physically I am getting better but I can feel the fight wearing on me for sure. It is defiantly a new experience for me. So many things to deal with in addition to all the normal life stuff. I worry about my future, relationships, and what I am gonna do in general. Right now I am just trying to enjoy each day as it comes.