Cancer Epic

     Rereading last weeks post I realized I was sounding pretty lost and unsure how to feel about things. This week though and generally over the last month I am starting to reach a place of clarity. Things seem to make more sense and I don't have the anxiety I once had. Sure I have Stage IV GE Junction Cancer and if you just look at numbers surviving it it pretty slim. At the local support group I go to we have been on the topic of death and dying recently. I am starting to get tired of it because I did think about it a bit and the conclusion was that I wanted to make sure that I was LIVING with cancer. So at the group I understand and appreciate the need to talk about dying but I also want to hear how others facing cancer are living. That gives me hope, that gives me inspiration, and that is what I want to hear. This week I went to work for three days and basically back to the point I was when I left. It was nice to do it all. Unfortunately Monday I heard the terrible news that someone from another department that our office worked with had passed away last week. He was diagnosed with Leukemia about two weeks before me. It defiantly felt weird being back and I think I feel a some survivors guilt. I know we didn't have the same disease or experienced the same physical pains, but I still feel weird. I feel bad for those close to me and know about the stats. I worry that they are worried about me under otherwise calm faces and this death really reminded them about that. 

      That is one thing I wish I had the nerve to do more of through out my treatment. I wish I would have pushed a little harder to see how my friends were dealing with my diagnosis. It is something I really wanted to know. I assumed they would tell me at one point and I would hint at it but they wouldn't share. I am going to find out now especially since I just finished treatment. 

     I won't lie that I do feel more than a little joy about just being around to live life and be with those I love. Today I had a CT scan. It was relatively uneventful. During my port access the nurse and I were talking and that conversation has stuck with me. He commented how far I had come since my first day at the oncologist. The first day they tried to draw blood and I passed out because of dehydration and that the fact my blood sugar was so low. I also may have been suffering from anemia at the point as well. In basic words I was in terrible shape. I thought about that and the journey I went through emotionally and spiritually. Lots of people refer to their life dealing with cancer as a journey. I like the word, but why don't we call it a "Cancer Epic". An epic is a long poem of sorts surrounding in which a hero achieves great achievements and its written in very flattering way. The Iliad is an epic if you were wondering. I like that "Cancer Epic". In this tale we are heroes and are surrounded by a group of heroes facing a great evil called cancer. We face many challenges and achieve many things along the way. Those deeds are usually spoken of in an elevated manner. Agree with me or not every patient and caregiver I have ever met has had strength that is too great to describe. Does that mean it is easy, hell no.

     Next week I find out the results of my scan and where we go from here.

Until next time.