What Now?

     So as you know last week was my last cycle of EOX until I get the results from next CT scan. The next scan is on 7/31 and I meet with the doctor on 8/7 to discuss the future. I am back to work mostly. I will be back full time starting on 8/4. Some of you may know that I am Flight Instructor on the side, others may not. Since this whole thing started I haven't had a chance to fly. I will start trying to get my medical certificate back in August with the FAA. I am little anxious since I do not know what the outcome will be. I may have to wait a few months, a few years, or I might be done. Flying was my childhood dream and that's what I went to college for. My full time job during the week is at a desk and has the the all important benefits and pays most of the bills and as I mentioned I returning back to work there. I am pretty sure I will get to fly again but I certainly do miss it. Now to what I wanted to discuss, "What Now?"
      I did that last cycle of EOX and at the moment there are no plans for additional chemotherapy. I defiantly have to say it feels weird to not preparing for another cycle. Heck this week I wasn't even in the clinic. I have to say I find myself saying "What now?" At work this week I was unsure what I should do (beyond having to relearn all the policies and procedures) and got a variety of reactions from different people. My manager is super awesome and has helped me so much through all of this. It is weird cause he is trying to protect me from being harassed too much by folks and trying not to let my cancer story be the meat of the rumor mill. The fact is I didn't really tell very many folks why I was gone for 4.5 months and now I am back. I know my manager sent an email to everyone asking them to respect my privacy and that if I wanted I would talk to them about it. A really nice gesture. I think some folks took it that they literally were not suppose to talk to me. So I felt really awkward when folks would barely say hello. I just am not sure what I should do to be honest. I don't want all my coworkers to make a huge deal about me having cancer, but there isn't a easy way to be like "Oh I had cancer, went through chemotherapy, and faced my own mortality." We will see how next week goes and I will practice the old adage of fake it until you make it. It feels weird coming back to "normal" life after such a traumatic experience. I also feel like I need to help explain cancer for others behalf, which isn't a bad thing. A manager from another department was diagnosed with Leukemia (not sure on type) a few weeks before my diagnosis and he is retired(ing). It seems so crazy that we were diagnosed almost at the same time and I am back and he isn't. Crazy, stupid cancer I guess.
     It has been a while since I have heard the awesome things people say when you have cancer but returning to work this week brought them out and I just had to chuckle. Here are some "You look really good!" (Yeah because I am not bald anymore and not about to pass out) "At least they caught it early" (I am stage IV and it metastasized in my liver, not early at all) "The tumors are gone now at least"(no, I will carry them around forever) Lets see what next week brings.
      I would really like to see all my tumors gone on the next CT scan and have no more chemo but that is unlikely. I think Round 2 will suck just as equally as bad. They tell me I will go through another round of EOX before moving on. After that they will try a new drug that was recently certified by the FDA and has shown to work against gastric cancers. I don't know the name of it yet but will let you know. I talked with my oncologist about chemo brain, since I started work, and he said I should be mindful of it but that I shouldn't have a problem cause of my age. The side effects are still getting to me a little but I hope they subside more in the next week. My feet are a mess and the abdominal pain is getting to be an annoyance.
      Sorry if this post seems disorganized and confused. It is where I am at the moment. Maybe I will find some clarity in the next days. Until then I appreciate you for reading and as always leave a comment or shoot me an email.